I started typing this immediately after my last interaction with my ex-boyfriend. I needed an outlet and I wanted to experience my pain in a healthy, reflective manner. It has been over a year since leaving that relationship and I woke up this morning to a vivid dream of him abusing me. This was confirmation. God was telling me that I needed to release it all. I need to let go of everything preventing me from closing this door and that meant releasing this blog. Not only to tell my story, but to raise awareness about something that so many women go through.
1 in 4 women (24.3%) aged 18 and older in the United States have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
I didn't think that this kind of stuff was real. I mean, who would ever think it is acceptable to put their hands on a some they love? If you love someone, why put them in pain?
In the beginning it was so magical. No problems whatsoever. I didn't think that life could get any better than what It was. I was in la-la-land with him and he did a great job at masking his true colors making me fall for his facade.
More than half of all college students (57%) say it is difficult to identify dating abuse.
I couldn't even identify it myself. He was so manipulative and had a way to make me feel like I was the problem. I felt like I was dealing with a person who had two sides. One side was so caring and the other was aggressive.
It started off small. In arguments, he would get so close to me that I could hear his heart beating right through his chest. He was unidentifiable. It was as if he turned into a different person when he got mad. Looking into his eyes, I could see the anger and frustration.
I left him because I began to fear for my safety. I knew that If I had stayed with him, it would have gotten worse. I communicated with him why I left and to my knowledge, he understood. About two months after we broke up he assured me that he was getting better. He assured me that therapy was helping to dissect his anger. I naively allowed him back in into my life hoping that things would change.
After a while, the abuse escalated and he became more aggressive by grabbing my arms and screaming in my face. Finally, it got so bad he decided that he wanted to throw me around like I was a rag doll. I suffered from strangulation, bruises and open wounds all over my body. I gave my temple to someone who didn't care to physically damage it.
What I learned about people like him is that they don't change. They start to unmask themselves. Their true colors start to show after they feel like they've got you trapped.
I kept asking myself: Why I didn't fight back. WHY DIDN'T I FIGHT BACK? Was I that weak? Did he possess that much power over me? Then I understood that the concept "fight or flight". You would never know how you would react in a situation until it happens to you. I have had to cope with the fact that It does not make me any less because I did not hurt him in return.
43% of dating college women report experiencing violent and abusive dating behaviors including physical, sexual, tech, verbal or controlling abuse.
He was so manipulative. He would use everything I said against me. His tricks made me feel like I was crazy.
I had to realize that what he had for me was not love. Instead what he had was control. He had control of my emotions, control of my heart and sadly, control of my body. The very temple that I allowed him to have a pieces of, was damaged carelessly. The hard reality was that he cared nothing about my value. The emotional trauma that it caused me was extremely toxic and I couldn't see how it was affecting my relationship with myself and the people around me.
An estimated 10.7% of women and 2.1% of men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime.[v]
He would stalk my social media and try to control what I did online. After a while, I just stopped getting on my social media in fear that he would get mad at what I Iiked or what I posted. If I didn't reply to text in a timely manner, he'd show up to my job and confront me. Nobody should have that much control over your life and looking back, I'm disappointed in myself for giving him so much power over me.
1 in 5 college women has been verbally abused by a dating partner.
I can recall him calling me a "Stupid Bitch" and telling me that he hoped that I "Rot in Hell". Whoever said "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" definitely lied because those words cut so deep. To have the man of your dreams speak such hateful words is a spirit killer. I learned that the reason that he was spewing so much hate was because he hated himself. Nothing he was saying to me was my fault.
58% of college students say they don’t know what to do to help someone who is a victim of dating abuse.
If you ever experience Domestic Violence or know anyone going through it, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224. Going through this was not easy and I could not do it alone. If you are a friend to someone in an abusive relationship, remember that leaving is not easy. Be sympathetic and be real with your friend. If you are in an abusive relationship, find friends who will support you through your healing. DO NOT IGNORE THE SIGNS and do not be afraid to seek help.
If you see signs of aggression or anger then LEAVE. Love yourself enough to walk away from men who cannot handle your wonderful spirit. What you are going through is NOT your fault.
Men like that should never be allowed to walk the earth freely. The sick part is; There are so many women around you struggling with abusive men and you may not know it. So now more than ever, be sure to check in on our friends. I fear for those woman that do not have the opportunity to escape situations 10 times worse than mine.
Although, he has caused me to experience severe anxiety and PTSD, he will not ruin me. Seeking therapy was one of my best decisions and I have grown to forgive myself and him for the pain he has caused. Through this, I have learned about how wonderfully beautiful I am and how courageous I am. I also realized how supportive my parents could be through such a hard healing process and am so thankful for them. I am so proud of myself from learning and growing through this situation. I am proud of myself for walking away from a situation that was so toxic.
To my ex-boyfriend,
Thank you for showing me how valuable I am. Thank you for showing me how extremely powerful I am. Thank you for helping me become an advocate for Domestic Violence reforms and spokesperson for ALL women that go through Domestic Abuse. Most importantly, thank you for showing me how strong I am. I also forgive you for stealing my bottle of wine I got in Paris, France.
Sincerely, Paigetailyn
“Statistics.” The National Domestic Violence Hotline, www.thehotline.org/resources/statistics/.