I withdrew myself. I stopped going out with others. I isolated myself from situations where I knew I'd have to express myself. I was lost and finding myself meant spending time alone.
Used twice in Mean Girls twice, Urban Dictionary defines Social suicide as the act of killing one's social life. It wasn’t until I came from out of my hiatus that I had realized what I had done.
There was a point in time when I became overwhelmed with doing everyday things. Leaving my room meant I was bound to have an anxiety attack. Getting in the shower was a battle in itself feeling like I was constantly being watched. Going go class was a definite “NO”. School work was usually the last thing on my mind. Being away from my room was a complete drag. Eventually, my first thoughts when waking up were “Why do I live this life?” and “Why should I get out of bed today?”
I can promise you that I am far from suicidal, but that question led me to really think about why I felt that way. I was clearly I knew I had a purpose but It became fuzzy, because I lost myself.
I deleted and limited my social media usage because little did I know, I had constant unconscious thoughts that my instagram/twitter needed to be perfect. Being on social media began to negatively affect my psyche. After a while, I stopped talking to the people I had normally talked to every day. I began to withdraw myself from all social gatherings not because I wanted to but because I NEEDED to. I felt it in my soul that I had to be alone, because being around people meant that I had the ability to bury the feelings that I was not ready to confront. Plus, how was I supposed to add value to anyone else’s life if I felt that I was valueless?
It wasn't until I talked to my therapist about my feelings that she confirmed that what I was experiencing was normal. I had to figure things out on my own and that was OKAY! While everybody experiences things differently, there are people in this world who drop off the face of the earth to rediscover themselves. She told me that this life is like a rollercoaster- we will lose ourselves over and over again. The good thing is: We have to option to rediscover ourselves.
I had more digging to do so I talked to Tianne Johnson, my cousin, about my situation. I expressed to her that I felt isolated. She explained to me the difference between "Isolation" and "Solitude". While both are very close in meaning, there are a few things that separate the words. Isolation is the act of being or remaining alone or apart from others. Isolation often has a negative connotation. Solitude is the act of separating yourself in order to find inner peace. Solitude gives you a chance to just be. To just think and dream.
I began to think about all the people that I called my "friends" and how my lack of interaction with them would cause tension. I felt like because I wasn't speaking to them everyday, they would begin to distance themselves from me. When I expressed my concern to my cousin, Tianne Johnson, she said this to me: "The people and things that are good for you in this season [Of growth] will not suffer from your time of healing". With that, shout out to all of my friends that understood me and my journey through solace. Those that stuck with me even when I distanced myself in order to figure out what I stood for.
Most importantly, SHOUT OUT TO MY MF SELF! For standing strong through this bumpy ride. I have found comfort in my process of sitting still within myself. This has given me time to find the love for myself that I was missing. It has given me time to process and value my journey. There is beauty in losing yourself and I have grown to appreciate